Archive for November, 2011

happy thanksgiving

I stayed home for Thanksgiving today. Not that I wasn’t invited to join others. My niece invited me to join her and my brother’s family for dinner and my wife asked me to come to her family’s celebration. Instead, I stayed home. Why? Because I’m lonely.

Makes no sense, does it? Seems that a lonely person would be happy to have someplace to go and not be alone. The trouble is that a lonely person is always alone, even in a crowd. To have happy family all around me would just make me feel all the more alone. Like a rock that sits in the middle of a stream, while all the happiness flows around me, not touching me. Alone even among family.

It’s hard to explain, even harder to understand. Certainly this isn’t a new phenomenon; all of my life I have felt like an outsider, even with family. While not new, it is worse now. I chose to be with someone new, but that decision has meant that I have been with no one for over six years now, with no expectation of ever being with her again. I can’t move forward and I can’t move backwards. I am stuck like that rock in the stream with time and people moving around me, being unable to affect either time or people.

So, on that cheerful note, I hope that if you are celebrating Thanksgiving today, you are happy in the company of friends and family. I hope that you feel a part of it all and are appreciated and appreciate what you have.

Happy Thanksgiving.

i’m done

That’s it. I’m done. Hope is abandoned, reality accepted. No future days will hold any greater joy. Nothing but grey days leading to black days. Going through the motions as long as I can move, but have no interest in moving. What difference does it make if the long sleep comes sooner than later? I’m done.