Archive for October, 2014

dread time

It’s one o’clock in the morning. I’m awake. Not just the wake up in the middle of the night and then go back to sleep kind of awake, but the wake up in the middle of the night thinking about all the stuff in your life that is stressing you out with your mind playing out all the possible dreaded outcomes.

I don’t know if it’s ever happened to you, but that’s where I’m at right now. Can’t get my mind off all the bad stuff in my life and where it is heading. A real sense of doom and gloom. I know that in the light of day things will look a little better, or maybe the light of day only lets me fool myself, let’s me deny the reality that my night-time brain frees from its chains.

It is times like this that death feels close. You really feel your own mortality and the mortality of those around you. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no optimism, just the deep, dark, inky blackness of doom that makes you wonder why you should go on. It’s bad enough to have those thoughts during the day when at least you have a chance of shrugging them off, but in the middle of the night it feels like the only reality.

Normally watching television will get my mind back into a neutral groove and help me get back to sleep. Not tonight. Maybe too much caffeine at dinner. Maybe too many real world problems with no answers. In any event, here I sit in front of the computer wondering why I am writing this here. Like this is going to change anything. Well, I guess it gives me something to do other than just letting my mind sit in the cesspool of my fear.

So what to do? It’s not the time to try to figure out my life and make plans. I don’t think anything good would come of that. Maybe go throw a load of laundry in. Consider whether a day of vacation would be good for tomorrow – a day away from things. Maybe do some dishes. Leave the TV on, for sure.

Eventually I’ll get tired enough to fall back asleep, but it will probably be just before it’s time to get up and go to work. I don’t know what I’ll do but I have to do something that will help me keep from slitting my wrists. No, suicide is not a real possibility, but when your mind is in the place mine is, you start to understand why people do that and why death occurs often in the small hours of the night.

Maybe doing something constructive right now, even if it is in the middle of the night, would be helpful. This desk sure could use a straightening. Sigh. Oh well, I’ll make it through the night somehow. See you in the morning.

you say herb, I say weed

So I’m following along with the recipe they are making on the television and out comes the leafy green herb. I’m hoping it’s parsley, but no, it’s cilantro. Shit. Now what do I do?

You see, I’m one of those people to whom cilantro tastes like soap. It’s a nasty herb and it has screwed up countless recipes for me. Is it really critical to the flavor of the dish? Is there an acceptable substitute, or should I just leave it out? Some recipes have so much cilantro in them that I can’t see leaving it out, so maybe I should just ignore those recipes.

I wonder what cilantro tastes like to someone who actually likes it. I’ve heard it described as “citrus-y” but it is impossible for me to believe that. Then again, I guess any flavor other than “soap” would be hard for me to believe, but why would people use it if they didn’t like it?

Let’s do a quick search on the 3dubs . . .

Looks like parsley is the usual substitute, at least for looks. Says it can be a bit bitter, though, so need to add a little something sweet to offset it, and if cilantro is a major ingredient parsley just doesn’t work. Someone suggested celery leaves, which sounds like a possibility to me. Also basil would be acceptable in some dishes and Thai basil in oriental dishes that use cilantro. I guess it’s a matter of being creative, or just leaving it out.

Of course, that’s if I’m making something myself. Good luck going to a restaurant and asking them to leave the cilantro out. Most of the time that is impossible unless it’s being used as a garnish, in which case I can pick it off myself. If there isn’t too much in a dish I try to pay attention to the other flavors as much as I can. Sure hate it though when I get a piece of cilantro stuck in my teeth.

Oh well, if that’s the worst of my worries in this world I should be a happy man. Obviously, it’s not the worst of my worries.