I had a dream last night, or actually sometime this morning. I don’t remember any of it now except that I went into a building and I was going to go talk to the “brains” behind the business. I walked down a narrow hallway, turned right into the office, and there she was. Odd thing is, even though the face wasn’t quite right, I felt like it was my sweetie who passed away last year. I just knew it was her and I held her and I kissed her and my heart was full to almost breaking. I couldn’t believe that my love and I were once again reunited. The feeling of completeness was overwhelming. And then I woke up with tears in my eyes.
Life has been kind of hard and it just doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I have been feeling guilty about things I have done, things I haven’t done, and things that I don’t want to do. The saying that “youth is wasted on the young” is no joke. The road ahead just seems to lead to more pain and suffering, for those around me and for myself. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, but one really starts to lose the motivation to do so. I can truly understand it now when someone reaches a point in life and decides that it is time to die.
There was an episode of Northen Exposure where a woman, Nedra Larkin, decided that her body was “winding down.” She was at peace with it, but Joel, the doctor, would not have it. He examined her and found her in perfect health, Still, she had all her family and friends over to say goodbye, and in spite of Joel’s belief that she was not dying, she does die. Strange how shows and movies that you have seen before take on different shades of meaning as you get older and as you experience more of life. If I were Joel, a young man, I would see the situation the same way he did. Being me, at this point in my life, I totally understand where Nedra was coming from, and can see such a day in my future.
Sometimes it doesn’t seem to matter much whether that day is sooner rather than later.